Um, dude, I ain't no Dumbledore

Sometimes . . . okay, more often than sometimes if I am to be perfectly honest . . . I am forced to conclude that my clients are utterly convinced that I am capable of performing Harry Potter-style magic or of pulling off miracles at the drop of a hat.

I don't want to have to plead to anything worse than a misdemeanor. And I want probation, but only a year, and I don't think I should have to spend a single day in jail.

Look, Ms. Attorney, I know I sold a couple of grams of cocaine to an undercover cop, and I know the D.A. has audio and video recordings of the whole transaction, and I know this would be my third felony conviction. But, none of that should matter. I want what I want, and you're going to get it for me or I am going to sit here and stamp my feet.

Well, I want a pony and $100 million and world peace.

:::sigh:::

The said thing is the sheer number of times I have had that conversation.

Making writer's block look like a head cold

Not long ago, DBB commented that I must be terribly busy, since I have not posted much of anything since re-setting this blog. This is, of course, true in part, but it isn't the entire story.

I have found it incredibly difficult to blog as a working member of the Bar.

There are a few reasons for this. First, despite my persistent insistence on doing all that I can to preserve my anonymity, I am terribly worried about being "unmasked" and about having something written by me used to hurt the partners at my firm. Not because I am afraid of losing my job, but because I am blessed enough to have bosses I genuinely like as people, admire as professionals, and respect on both levels, and I really do not want to do anything to harm them.

Then there is the issue of the work itself. While I love what I do, it is a rough row to hoe. On most days, talking about my work in a frank manner would lead any casual observer to believe that I am utterly bitter and unhappy, when that is not the case. Criminal defense is just . . . well . . . most of the time it's like driving down a Wisconsin road at the very beginning of spring. Potholes, potholes, and more potholes. And an honest recapitulation of the challenges involved is difficult, at least it is if you don't want to create the impression that you are utterly miserable.

So, for the three people who read this site, please forgive me for my silence.

I am trying to write. I just have a few challenges to deal with in getting there.

On the off chance that there's someone in Timbuktu who hasn't seen this one. . .

And, yes, I would find it just as deliciously funny if someone managed to put together something as gloriously snarky about the Democrats.

But those of you who know me already know that.

Mind you, I am so far from being psychic it isn't even funny . . .

. . . but I am having one of those moments when my gut is telling me something . . . okay, not telling . . . screaming.

Senator Obama is going to ask Senator Clinton to join him on the Democratic ticket and she is going to say yes.

I cannot explain why I think that. Just tea leaves and between the lines here, and gods know I could be wrong.

But, gods know, I know to listen to my gut.

As it turns out, Trial Ad really would not have helped that much . . .

So how many trials have you done so far?

What's your record like?

Those are the two questions that I probably hear the most frequently from people when they find out what sort of law I practice.

Yet another thing to lay at the feet of Law & Order, The Practice, and all of the rest.

Contrary to popular belief, criminal cases do not regularly go to trial. Quite the opposite, in fact. Well over 90% of cases settle without trial, and a majority settle without any motion practice. That's either a credit to prosecutorial thoroughness, a depressing commentary on the apathy and sloth of the defense bar, a manifestation of the rational decision-making of defendants, or a little bit of all three.

Whatever the source, the fact is that a criminal defense attorney can go months and months without going anywhere near a jury.

This, of course, is not to say that trial advocacy skills aren't important. They just don't see as much use as I would have presumed before I actually got out into practice. In my experience, more good is done for clients through negotiation skills than anything else.

Just one more thing to add to the very long "list of things they should have told me in law school, but didn't."