Who has happier cows again?

According to a program I am currently listening to on Wisconsin Public Radio, the average Wisconsin dairy farmer has 80 cows.

In contrast, the average California dairy farmer has 800 cows.

Just a little food for thought for the next time you're in the dairy aisle.

Um, dude, I ain't no Dumbledore

Sometimes . . . okay, more often than sometimes if I am to be perfectly honest . . . I am forced to conclude that my clients are utterly convinced that I am capable of performing Harry Potter-style magic or of pulling off miracles at the drop of a hat.

I don't want to have to plead to anything worse than a misdemeanor. And I want probation, but only a year, and I don't think I should have to spend a single day in jail.

Look, Ms. Attorney, I know I sold a couple of grams of cocaine to an undercover cop, and I know the D.A. has audio and video recordings of the whole transaction, and I know this would be my third felony conviction. But, none of that should matter. I want what I want, and you're going to get it for me or I am going to sit here and stamp my feet.

Well, I want a pony and $100 million and world peace.

:::sigh:::

The said thing is the sheer number of times I have had that conversation.

Making writer's block look like a head cold

Not long ago, DBB commented that I must be terribly busy, since I have not posted much of anything since re-setting this blog. This is, of course, true in part, but it isn't the entire story.

I have found it incredibly difficult to blog as a working member of the Bar.

There are a few reasons for this. First, despite my persistent insistence on doing all that I can to preserve my anonymity, I am terribly worried about being "unmasked" and about having something written by me used to hurt the partners at my firm. Not because I am afraid of losing my job, but because I am blessed enough to have bosses I genuinely like as people, admire as professionals, and respect on both levels, and I really do not want to do anything to harm them.

Then there is the issue of the work itself. While I love what I do, it is a rough row to hoe. On most days, talking about my work in a frank manner would lead any casual observer to believe that I am utterly bitter and unhappy, when that is not the case. Criminal defense is just . . . well . . . most of the time it's like driving down a Wisconsin road at the very beginning of spring. Potholes, potholes, and more potholes. And an honest recapitulation of the challenges involved is difficult, at least it is if you don't want to create the impression that you are utterly miserable.

So, for the three people who read this site, please forgive me for my silence.

I am trying to write. I just have a few challenges to deal with in getting there.

On the off chance that there's someone in Timbuktu who hasn't seen this one. . .

And, yes, I would find it just as deliciously funny if someone managed to put together something as gloriously snarky about the Democrats.

But those of you who know me already know that.

Mind you, I am so far from being psychic it isn't even funny . . .

. . . but I am having one of those moments when my gut is telling me something . . . okay, not telling . . . screaming.

Senator Obama is going to ask Senator Clinton to join him on the Democratic ticket and she is going to say yes.

I cannot explain why I think that. Just tea leaves and between the lines here, and gods know I could be wrong.

But, gods know, I know to listen to my gut.

As it turns out, Trial Ad really would not have helped that much . . .

So how many trials have you done so far?

What's your record like?

Those are the two questions that I probably hear the most frequently from people when they find out what sort of law I practice.

Yet another thing to lay at the feet of Law & Order, The Practice, and all of the rest.

Contrary to popular belief, criminal cases do not regularly go to trial. Quite the opposite, in fact. Well over 90% of cases settle without trial, and a majority settle without any motion practice. That's either a credit to prosecutorial thoroughness, a depressing commentary on the apathy and sloth of the defense bar, a manifestation of the rational decision-making of defendants, or a little bit of all three.

Whatever the source, the fact is that a criminal defense attorney can go months and months without going anywhere near a jury.

This, of course, is not to say that trial advocacy skills aren't important. They just don't see as much use as I would have presumed before I actually got out into practice. In my experience, more good is done for clients through negotiation skills than anything else.

Just one more thing to add to the very long "list of things they should have told me in law school, but didn't."

We don't need no stinkin' statehood . . .

According to the information I am getting, folks in Puerto Rico tend to vote at around an 80% turnout rate. Now, I don't know if that is, in fact, true but it certainly holds the capacity, given that Puerto Rico's population is approximately 2 million, to really impact the face of the primaries.

And, it occurs to me, precisely how ironic that would be, given the longstanding issues and debates and acrimony regarding potential statehood circulating through the blood of that island.

Because they need to be kept honest

Every so often . . . well, if I am to be perfectly honest, more than every so often . . . someone asks the inevitable question:

"Why do you do it? You're a good person, Armagh. How can you spend your life on the side of the criminals? How can you do things that might lead to someone who did something horrendous getting off of the hook?"

There are, of course, a million answers to that question, and in the coming weeks and months I hope to more fully explore some of them.

For the moment, however, I think it is enough to simply quote one of my favorite passages from one of the more significant SCOTUS Criminal Procedure cases:

There are those who say, as did Justice Cardozo, that under our constitutional exclusionary doctrine "the criminal is to go free because the constable has blundered." In some cases this will undoubtedly be the result." But, as was said in Elkins, "there is another consideration -- the imperative of judicial integrity." The criminal goes free, if he must, but it is the law that sets him free. Nothing can destroy a government more quickly than its failure to observe its own laws, or worse, its disregard of the charter of its own existence. As Mr. Justice Brandeis , dissenting, said in Olmstead v. United States: "Our Government is the potent, the omnipresent teacher. For good or for ill, it teaches the whole people by its example . . . If the Government becomes a lawbreaker, it breeds contempt for law; it invites every man to become a law unto himself; it invites anarchy."
--Mapp v. Ohio, 367 U.S. 643, 659 (1961), internal citations omitted.

Of course, every so often I run into a cop or a DA who gets this. Unfortunately, that tends to be the exception, rather than the rule.

Another sad realization

I hate to be fatalistic, but some kids just do not have a chance.

In which I make a divergence in to the quasi-political . . .

. . . and ask that someone, anyone, explain to me how de-funding RIF could be considered sensible, logical, or in any way in the same universe as a good idea.

Reset

I've thought a lot lately about the purpose of this blog . . . about why I created it . . . about what I want it to become . . . and about whether I really want it to become anything.

At first, this was a place to practice my writing, via musings about politics, law, religion, and other assorted aspects of life, but there is something inherently unsatisfying about that, especially now. My existence is far to overwhelmed by my work for me to write about anything else, but blogging as an attorney poses some special risks in terms of professional reputation and the danger of inadvertently revealing more than one can within the standards of professional responsibility.

Still, the work and professional life of an attorney is a very unique thing, a phenomenon more different from the popular imagery than most people would even begin to guess, and more myths and misperceptions about the profession have evolved than I can even begin to count. This is perhaps uniquely true of the work of a criminal defense attorney. Whenever I talk to strangers, acquaintances, friends, and even my closest relatives, I am staggered by the extent to which their approach to me is now colored by some clouded understanding of exactly what it is I do and why I do it.

So, from here out, that will be the primary purpose of this blog. Granted, there will still be religious, political, and cultural musings, but they will cease being the headliner. That slot will now be devoted to an examination of life inside the profession. Nothing about specific cases; I'm not fool enough to tread within a mile of that line. But there are so many strange things that are common to the work . . . more than enough for years and years of blog posts.

Just wondering . . . .

If we want peace so badly, so desperately and so consistently, why is it that we so very often effect our strategic goals at the point of a missile?

Friday Random Ten - The "I Am the Antithesis of a Music Snob" Edition

Paul Van Dyk - Avenue
Bing Crosby & Al Jolson - Alexander's Ragtime Band
Everclear - Here We Go Again
Journey - Wheel in the Sky
Collective Soul - Breathe
The Cranberries - Yeat's Grave
Paul Van Dyk - We Are Alive
Fleetwood Mac - Dreams
Pat Benatar - Fire and Ice
Concrete Blonde - I Call It Love

This isn't to say, of course, that I have no appreciation for or understanding of the arguments made in favor of music snobbery. As a former Theatre Brat, I understand that every art form must have it's gate-keepers, and I am grateful that those monitors exist, as they help prevent art from becoming nothing but an endless parade of Brittany Spears and Jerry Bruckheimer.

That being said, I cannot bring myself to be a music snob.

For me, music is not an intellectual experience. Quite the contrary. It is pure emotion and childlike naïveté and carpe diem infused bliss.

So, I thank the music snobs for aiding in the creation of a more quality-based musical universe, but I cannot join their ranks.

I simply haven't the discipline.

1,001 words . . . .

Si, se puede!

Pretty stark contrast, eh?